420 in Soul Society
by RyuuRanger
Summary: When the Shinigami suddenly start acting weird, it's up to Hitsugaya to find out why. Crack-fic, obviously.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Bleach. Kubo does, and he's one hell of a mangaka.

Toushirou Hitsugaya was sitting at his desk, staring at something he'd never seen before.

His vice-captain, Rangiku Matsumoto, was **working**. That's right, she was working at her own desk instead of lounging around.

"Matsumoto?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you....working?"

"Because the ostrich told me to, sir."

"What ostrich?"

"The pissed-off ostrich behind you."

Toushirou turned around and saw nothing there.

"Matsumoto, there's no ostrich."

Rangiku looked at Toushirou with a frown.

"Yes there is! He's breathing down your neck."

"I'm telling you, he's not there."

Suddenly, Rangiku was upon the small captain on an instant. "HE IS SO THERE! IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A LITTLE PISSANT, YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO SEE HIM!" With that, she stormed out of the room.

Toushirou blinked and shook his head. He had to get to the bottom of this.

The captain of the 10th Division looked around as Shinigami were either dancing around, screaming at each other, or giggling madly. '_Have they finally gone mad?_' He thought as he raced towards the 4th Division. What awaited him would shock him even more.

As the young captain entered the grounds, he saw the healers cheering and lying around the compound. "What is going on here?!" He demanded as he stormed inside. "Have you all gone mad?!" Then he saw Retsu Unohana, sitting near her table, in the nude.

In the **nude**.

"Oh, hello, Captain Hitsugaya." She smiled at him, not fazed at the slightest at her current state of undress. "What brings you here today?"

"Captain U-U-Unohana! Why are you naked?" He tried to focus on her face, not wanting to look at her body.

"Why, whatever do you mean? My clothes have just decided to take a vacation, that's all." Then she proceeded to giggle madly.

Hitsugaya took two steps back as the healer stood up and with a crazed look in her eyes, she took off down the hallway.

Then he heard a loud scream. "HELP!"

Isane Kotetsu dove behind Toushirou, as Unohana held up a pair of scissors. "Isane, snip-snip."

"NO! NO!" Shrieked the hysteric vice-captain. Toushirou looked at her and saw that her pigtails were cut off. "Captain Unohana..." He looked at her with a shocked expression.

"Captain Hitsugaya, don't you dare defend that bad girl." Unohana shot a frosty glare at him as she raised the scissors. "Or it's snip-snip for you too."

Toushirou didn't need to think twice as he tried to wrestle the scissors from her grasp.

**SNIP!**

Unohana's braid fell to the floor as Toushirou held the offending scissors in his hand. "No.... NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Unohana wailed in anguish. Toushirou dropped the scissors and ran like hell. "DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!" Isane screamed after him, but to no avail.

Toushirou raced towards the Kuchiki Mansion, hoping that he'd need an ally in this state of madness.

He burst into the room, seeing Byakuya sitting at his desk.

"Kuchiki! Kuchiki, we have a problem. I-"

"I know."

"Then- What?"

"I know why you have come. It's because of the ostrich."

"Not that ostrich crap again."

"Do not mock the ostrich."

Byakuya glared at the small captain with a great ferocity. "HE IS OUR LORD AND MASTER!"

Toushirou shook his head. Byakuya was gone as well. "Oh, god. Is there no sane person left?" He dashed towards the direction of 2nd division.

As soon as he reached the compound, he heard a loud wail. "MY BREASTS ARE NOT GROWING!" Toushirou nearly jumped out of his skin.

Soifon was running about, as if she were looking for something. "Where's the damn milk?! I need it to grow my breasts!"

"Captain Soifon!"

"MY KINGDOM FOR A CARTON OF MILK!"

"Soifon!"

"OMAEDA! OMAEDA, YOU FAT FUCK, WHERE ARE YOU?! I NEED SOME MILK!"

"SOIFON!"

"WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!" She turned around and glared at Toushirou.

"Never mind." He said in a tiny voice.

Soifon began to resume her quest for breast growth. Toushirou dashed out of the place and headed towards the meeting hall.

He entered the buliding and saw the rest of the captains arguing about something.

"WE NEED MORE SAKE, DAMMIT!" Kenpachi Zaraki roared.

"SAKE? YOU MONSTERS WOULD DESTROY THIS PLACE IN AN INSTANT!" Mayuri Kurotsuchi screamed.

"I AGREE WITH ZARAKI!" Shunsui and Ukitake shouted in unison.

"Gentlemen, Gentlemen! Can we please not have an arguement in this place of intellect?" Konamura Sajin asked.

"ENOUGH! NO ONE IS GETTING SAKE!" Head Captain Yamamoto roared. "We are here for these," He held up a pile of weed.

Toushirou widened his eyes. "So, that's what making the Shinigami act insane."

"That's right, boy. This is what the humans use on this day called, '420.'" Yamamoto smirked. "And we have decided to celebrate this occasion."

"But what about Aizen?!"

"Fuck Aizen. He can go find some Mary Jane for all I care. This weed is ours."

Toushirou sighed in defeat. "Can I have some then?"

Toushirou was chasing a nude Momo Hinamori with a crazed look in his eyes. "COME BACK! I JUST WANT TO CLIP OFF THAT BUN ON YOUR HEAD!" He giggled wildly.

Rangiku watched this spectale with an amused look on her face. "I knew Taichou would come around."

"DID I SAY YOU COULD HAVE A BREAK, BITCH?!"

"No, Master Ostrich!"

"Then get your ass moving!"

"Yes, sir!" Rangiku ran back to her desk in a fright.

An ostrich wearing sunglasses was smoking a pipe. "420 is the best day ever."

The end.


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own Bleach. Kuno, I mean Kubo owns it.

Ichigo woke up to the sounds of the morning. The window was open, the birds were singing, Rukia was sitting on him, wearing a Chappy costume-

Wait, Chappy costume?

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Ichigo screamed as he pushed Rukia off of him. "What the hell, Rukia?!"

"Do you like Chappy?"

"What?!"

"Do YOU like Chappy?" She stared at him with big eyes.

"No!"

Then all hell broke loose.

"AAAAAGH! RUKIA, GET OFF OF ME!!"

"DIE, NON-BELIEVER!"

Ichigo ran down the stairs with Rukia hot at his heels. "COME BACK, YOU FIEND!"

Renji was lying on the ground, shit-faced. "Hehehehehehehe...." He giggled madly.

"RENJI! RENJI, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!"

Unfortunately, that wasn't going to happen.

Ichigo tripped over Renji and flew across the room. Rukia landed on his back.

"DEATH TO ALL CHAPPY HATERS!" Rukia howled madly as she began whacking Ichigo with her Chappy Stick.

"OW!" Ichigo covered his head and glared at Rukia. "That's it."

He grabbed Rukia and carried her upstairs. "HEY! RELEASE ME!"

Then Ichigo turned on the bathwater and dumped Rukia into the tub.

"ACK! YOU BEAST!" Rukia thrashed around as Ichigo put a soap bar in her mouth.

"Stay in there and cool off!"

Ichigo stormed out of the house and ran into an ostrich.

"What the hell?"

"Ichigo Kurosaki, am I correct?"

"You're an ostrich."

"I'm here to tell you something."

"You're an ostrich!"

"I bring you a warning."

"YOU'RE AN OSTRICH!"

The ostrich pecked him on his head. "I KNOW, NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Ichigo rubbed his head as the ostrich continued.

"There will be a war for the weed and everyone will get stoned in a really big way."

"Yeah...."

"So, you are the only one to stop Aizen to obtaining the weed."

"What?"

"Our lives depend upon you, Ichigo Kurosaki."

The ostrich vainshed in a poof of smoke.

"Wait a- ACK!"

A very wet and pissed off Rukia tackled him. "YOU IDIOT! YOU MADE ME MISS THE APPEARANCE OF MASTER OSTRICH!" She proceeded to beat the snot out of him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

Ichigo's screams could be heard thorughout Karakura Town.

The End of Chapter 2.


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own Bleach. Kubo does and I hate him for it. Also, a cameo from Ranma 1/2.

"WEEEEEEEEED!"

The residents of Hueco Mundo were in an uproar. Their daily weed supply grew thinner and thinner.

And it was all Aizen's fault.

"My people, you have nothing to fear," Aizen said before his army one day. "I know where we can get some weed."

Gin and Tousen shared concerned glances.

"We will attack the palace of Mr. Ostrich."

Loud protests and complaints filled the air. The Espada knew all too well that Mr. Ostrich was one of the most powerful gods of weed out there.

"Settle down!" Aizen raised his voice for a moment, then went back to his normal tone. " I have a plan for defeating Mr. Ostrich."

The Arrancar listened closely. "There is another weed god that goes by the name of Ms. Hippo. And she will help us get all the weed we can smoke."

Everyone in Hueco Mundo roared as Aizen waved at his fans. Weed! Beautiful weed! All the weed they could smoke!

And nothing would stop them now. Well, _almost_ nothing.

"ICHIGO! WHERE ARE YOU?! GET BACK HERE AND WEAR YOUR CHAPPY PANTIES!"

Rukia had not gotten any better as she ran around Nerima, wearing a tutu with bunny ears on her head. The citizens looked at her as if she'd lost her mind somewhere.

"Ya can't catch me, ya tomboy!"

"RANMA, GET BACK HERE!"

Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendou were, as usual, fighting again.

Rukia looked at the scene with her bloodshot eyes.

"QUIET!" Rukia snatched the mallet from Akane and sent her flying in orbit. Ranma just looked at Rukia in shock.

The petite Shinigami looked at the cursed martial artist and held up her chappy panties. "Chappy........" She hissed.

Ranma screamed as Rukia lunged and pounced upon him. "HOLD STILL! YOU'RE GONNA TEAR THEM!"

Ichigo was sitting in his room, not knowing what to do about Aizen and the weed. "I need to think...." He grabbed a bottle of beer and drunk it. Then he grabbed another one and drunk it. Before long, Ichigo was drunk.

"I'm sick and tired of Rukia treating me like garbage! That midget needs an ass kicking! Yup!" Ichigo hiccuped as he stumbled over his feet. "Ow."

"You're pathetic!" Kon shouted as he walked towards Ichigo. "What kind of Shinigami are you?!"

Ichigo grabbed Kon and hurled him out the window. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"One bastard down, plenty others to go." Ichigo hiccuped again as he crawled to the door.

TBC?


	4. Chapter 4

I do not own Bleach. Kubo owns it.

And now, for the conclusion.

"_KAGOME! Kagome…"_

_Kagome lay there in a pool of her own blood. "Inuyasha…"_

"_Kagome, hang in there!" Inuyasha knelt towards her._

"_Inuyasha, stay away from Naraku. Let's live together, in a world where only youkai and humans can live together."_

"_Kagome, There is no such world! It's only a dream!"_

"_Yes, but I wanted to live in a world where I'm always with you…" Kagome reached out towards Inuyasha._

_Inuyasha grasped her hand. "Kagome! Kagome! Kagome… Kagome…!"_

_Kagome's eyes fell shut as she passed away, with a smile on her face._

"_AAAAAAAARGH!" Inuyasha cried out in anguish. "THIS ISN'T REAL! THERE'S NO POINT IN GOING ON! What… WHAT THE HELL AM I FIGHTING FOOOOOR?"_

Mr. Ostrich was crying his eyes out with a handkerchief. "That is the saddest thing I've ever seen."

Rangiku was snoring her ass off as she muttered something in her sleep. "Pumpkin cakes…"

Meanwhile, Rukia was still chasing Ranma thourghout Nerima. "COME BACK AND PUT ON YOUR CHAPPY PANTIES!"

"GET AWAY!" Ranma dove inside the Nekohanten. Shampoo was giving out orders when she saw Ranma. "Aiya! Airen!" She smiled.

"CHAPPY!" Rukia roared as she hurled a Chappy purse at the Amazon's head, knocking her out.

Shampoo fell to the floor like a ton of bricks. "Holy shit," Ranma exclaimed. "Heehehehehe." Rukia giggled evilly as she held up the chappy panties.

"STAY BACK! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!" Ranma shouted as he stumbled over a chair.

Suddenly, Mousse came out. "Ranma! What have you done to-" He was silenced by a Chappy lunchbox to the face.

"**CHAPPPPPYYYYY!**" Ranma's screams echoed across Nerima.

Kasumi Tendo looked up and said, "Oh, my." She looked at her family, who was ignoring the screams of a drugged-up, delusional Shinigami.

"Misteress?" Asked a young man.

"What is it, Juramaru?" A beautiful woman was lying on a couch.

"What do we do if Aizen-san finds out about us and tries to kill us?"

"We will do the same thing that we give to traitors." The woman stood up and sauntered over to the window. "And we will finish what he started." She let out a laugh that rivaled even Kodachi's.

Orihime sneezed loudly. "Ooh, someone must've been talking bad about someone…" She looked around and went back to washing the dishes."

TBC?


	5. Chapter 5

I do not own Bleach or the muffin man.

I'm sorry for the long wait, but here's a chapter, hot out of the press, just waiting to be read by you, the reader!

Enjoy!

Ichigo was sent flying into the air like a goose. He landed hard on his back as he gripped his sword in anger, glaring at his enemy. "Damn you, Coke!" Ichigo swore in anger. The giant red soda can laughed evilly.

"Give it up, kid," The soda laughed evilly. "You can't win! I've beaten all your friends! No one in the world can beat my skills!"

Just then, a light fell from the sky. A giant man made out of muffins landed near Ichigo. "MUFFIN MAN?" The orange-haired Shinigami yelped.

"Yes, it is I, the king of all things good, the prince of pomegranates. THE MUFFIN MAN!" The Muffin Man's voice boomed across the heavens. Ichigo gaped in awe. Ever since he and his comrades went down to Hueco Mundo and defeated Aizen and Juramaru, the mysterious mistress revealed herself as the deliciously deceptive soda, beloved by all, _**Coca-Cola**_!

Her first victim was Rukia, who succumbed to the sweetness of her evil nectar. She never stood a chance. Then came Renji, who had never even tasted a soda, and he fell.

Soon, Ichigo was left, and everyone else had become too sugar high to even fight anymore.

But now, there was hope!

_THE MUFFIN MAN HAD COME._

"BY THE POWER OF GRANOLA, I AM MUFFIN MAN!" He flexed his arms and pure light radiated from his very being.

"Damn you, Muffin Man!" Cola hissed as she sent a jet of soda from the palm of her hand. "TASTE MY LOVE JUICE!"

Muffin Man quickly avoided it and hurled a muffin at Cola's stomach. "EAT BLUEBERRY BOMB! A PART OF YOUR NATURAL BREAKFAST!" He shouted in triumph. Ichigo stood up, using his Zanpakuto as a crutch. He could not believe WHAT he was seeing.

Cola screamed in pain as the luscious blueberries corroded her metal body. "IT BURNS!" She held her abdomen as the pain grew worse.

"Muffin Man!" The ostrich ran to his side.

"Ostrich, thank the gods you came!" Muffin Man looked at Ostrich. "I need your help."

"What can I do?"

"I need your powers to restrain this slick bitch. Give me your strength!" Muffin Man held out his arms and rays of light surrounded the soda can.

Ostrich used his eye beams to amplify the Muffin Man's power, rendering Cola's power almost useless. "We've got to get more power! Otherwise, this will be all for nothing!"

"I know, old friend, but where can we find it?" Muffin Man groaned as Cola began to struggle fiercely against her prison. "YOU CANNOT HOLD ME FOREVER, FOOLS! I WILL BE FREE AND I WILL DESTROY YOU!" She roared in pure rage.

Muffin Man and the ostrich gasped in pain as Cola began to move slowly towards them in a menacing fashion.

"MWAAHAHAHAHAHA! NOW, YOU ARE MINE!" Cola roared in triumph. Suddenly, a giant rabbit fell from the sky. "HOLD, EVIL SODA BITCH!"

"CHAPPY!" the duo shouted. "Indeed! I have been summoned by a pure heart! How dare she hurt my beloved friends?" The rabbit glared at the soda. "FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING RABBIT! I DON'T FEAR YOU!"

Ichigo just watched this in disbelief. This was too much, even by his standards. He gripped his Zanpakuto and went into a stance.

"GETSUGA TENSHOU!" The attack ran straight through Cola, killing her instantly. "URGH! I…may have fallen, but my siblings will carry out my legacy… MWAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!" With that, she exploded.

"She is no more!" The Ostrich cheered. "Yes, our job is done." The Muffin Man stood up and brushed off dust off of his overalls.

"HOLD IT!" Ichigo roared and stormed towards them. "JUST HOLD ON A GODDAMNED COTTON-PICKIN' MINUTE!"

"Yes?" the trio responded.

"YOUR JOB? WHAT ABOUT US? WE FOUGHT THE GOOD DAMN FIGHT AND ALL WE GET FOR OUR TROUBLES IS A FUCKING PAT ON THE BACK? FUCK THAT NOISE! I'D RATHER GO DRINK… PEPSI!"

The trio gasped in horror. "You don't mean that, son." The Muffin Man shook his head.

"OH, YES I DO!" Ichigo fumed. "AT LEAST PEPSI NEVER BETRAYED ME OR ANYONE ELSE!" With that, Ichigo stormed away from the battle zone, looking for someone to heal his friends.

"My god, what have we done?" Muffin Man hung his head in shame. "We tried to save the world from sugar, yet we ended up driving an innocent away towards another evil."

"It's not your fault, Muffin Man. The world is filled with apathetic people who think nothing of their health. The world needs more optimistic people like the children." The ostrich smiled.

"You're right, old friend. Let's GO!" The trio flew off to fight more evil-spreading sodas and protect our teeth from rotting.

Rukia clung to the flying Chappy like a leech to its victims. "CHAPPPPPPY!" She squealed as the wind slapped against her face.

TBC.


	6. Chapter 6

I do not own Bleach.

Chappy, the Muffin Man, and Master Ostrich were in a bar, drinking the drink of kings: Milk.

"Ah, delicious milk!" Chappy boomed as he downed his glass.

"BRILLIANT!" The Muffin Man boomed. "I love drinking healthy, nutritious milk! What could possibly go wrong on this fine day!"

"Damn right." Master Ostrich snorted.

Suddenly, Moka Akashiya burst into the bar, all naked and glowing pink and white. She let out a feral roar and lunged at Master Ostrich. "GIVE ME THE WEED, AND I WILL SPARE YOUR LIVES!" Her eyes shone a bright red color.

"Holy shit!" Master Ostrich raised his foot and smacked the vampire esper bitch into a table. Then he jumped into the air and goomba stomped her. "Take that, bitch!" He shouted out triumphantly. But it was short-lived, however.

Moka shrieked as she fired off a Fira spell at the Ostrich, sending him flying into a table. Muffin Man and Chappy lunged into the fight to help, but Moka made quick work of them with a Thundaga and Blizzaga, respectively, and went Super Vampire Saiyan Esper on Master Ostrich's ass.

Toushirou then appeared and saw that Master Ostrich was being owned by Moka. "Holy fuck," He whispered as he slowly backed away from the scene. He did NOT want to get involved into this mess.

Master Ostrich then growled and used his most powerful kick to send Moka to the heavens. "SUPER MEGA DOOM KICK!" He slammed his foot into Moka's abdomen.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Moka screamed as she was jettisoned to space, becoming a bright star in the sky.

With that, Master Ostrch noticed Toushirou and went over to him and grabbed him, taking him back to his crib. "We gotta talk."

TBC.


End file.
